Wordpress

I just moved the blog over to Wordpress. I'm not totally abandoning this but I need a new start. Since I probably won't get one in my real life, I'll settle for my online life.

http://charminggoats.wordpress.com/

Central Florida Highland Festival

Today I went to the Central Florida Highland Games with friends from the Slug Club. I try to go every year or two (mostly because I have a thing for chuscular guys and guys in kilts - highland games always combine the two in a wonderful way) but this year I was disappointed.

For one thing, we normally go on Sundays. They're usually quiet days, a little boring, but quiet. It gives my friends and I some peace while we watch the games, enjoy the music, etc.  Saturdays are a whole different thing. It was *packed* full of people. As someone who gets a bit of social anxiety in crowds, I wasn't doing well. I barely made it in before I had a headache and felt a little claustrophobic. Once I finally met up with my group (after parking a couple of miles away and walking to the site), we watched the caber toss, walked around the site, and then left. I think I spent maybe 3 hours there, which is a relatively short day for us. We didn't even get to drink because the lines for beer were too long. You have to stand in two lines - one for beer tickets and one for the actual beer. Both lines were ridiculous and they only had two beer stands. 

The eye candy was good, but it felt weird to be there without Shae. When you're the only one perving over the guys in kilts, then you're creepy. But when there's two of you, you're potentially drunk girls having a good time. Lesson learned: I'll always go to the Games on Sundays now and will drag Shae every time. 

New Thing #3 - Visit the Charleston Museum

When I was 14, my grandparents moved to South Carolina. They both retired and decided it was too expensive/dangerous to continue living in the DC Metro area, so they picked up and moved to this little dinky town in middle of nowhere about 45 minutes north of Charleston. Sixteen years later, this town finally grew large enough to get a Dollar General (no actual grocery store or anything yet. Just a Dollar General.) I used to go visit them every summer. When I turned 23, my parents lost everything and moved in with my grandparents. When they divorced, Dad stuck around to take care of my grandfather after my grandmother passed away.

All of this is really just to show you I've had plenty of opportunities in my life to go to Charleston. My grandma took me once during one of those summers. We walked around a lot but, being from DC and accustomed to free museums, did not want to pay to get into any of the museums or houses. I haven't been back since, though I desperately wanted to go. Charleston, South Carolina is a gorgeous city. It really is. The history is absolutely fascinating as well. One time when I go up, I want to take a carriage ride through the city on one of the historical tours, just to have someone talking to us about all of the different places there. This past Christmas, Kim took us into downtown to see the sights.

The middle picture is where they auctioned the slaves. Back behind that is a long building that stretches out for multiple blocks. Now they have a number of local vendors selling their wares (mostly Charleston tourist stuff probably made in China) but before, the long buildings behind it were for holding people until they were ready to go on the auction block. (Or so I've gathered.) It's depressing as hell but I'm glad they decided to keep that part of history around as a reminder. (The city needs it. The racism there is ridiculous.) I have to admit though - it's a little weird to see that public face to it looking so nice. It's hard to imagine something so pretty hosting something so ugly.

We also (finally!) went into one of the museums. The Charleston museum was very nice - better than I expected. I know a part of my love for it was the focus on what I find the most fascinating - every day life. Naturally, there was a lot of stuff there from the War. The weapons kept my dad entertained. The displays on the every day lives of women kept me entertained. My favorite displays in any history museum are always the clothing displays. I wish I had taken more pictures of that.

What impressed me the most was that they included an opportunity for you to slip into historical models of the clothing to see what it felt like to wear the clothing. Teaching about history: you're doing it right. It's one thing to just look at these things in museums. There are some who will retain that knowledge for a lifetime. But most? They're not going to learn unless they have a chance to interact with it. That's why I'm so passionate about living history. History is much easier to understand when one can put themselves in their shoes, to live, even just for five minutes, as their ancestors did. 

Here you can try on the clothing of the women - most importantly - farthingales! Or hoop skirts, whatever you want to call them. They were designed more like a French farthingale but it was enough to give people an idea of what it's like to walk around and try to do chores in that shit. (aka "if you can afford a farthingale, you're not doing any fucking chores.")

Overall, I highly recommend the Charleston Museum if you're in the area. It was $10 to get in, or $16 if you want to get in to there and one of the two houses that they are partnered with. It was a great deal in my opinion. 

New Thing #2 - Foam Crafting

I typically do not have the time to craft anymore. However, while school was on break for the winter, I took advantage of the time and started crafting like crazy. In addition to the scrapbooking and smash booking I did in the previous post, I tried my hand at foam crafting. One of my friends back a few years ago purchased a foam Thomas Jefferson craft set.

Yes, that's right. I'm officially that nerd who owns a Thomas Jefferson craft set. I'm also that immature nerd who laugh because once you glue his clothes on, he's still nekkid in the back. I'm probably going to draw him a butt crack soon.

But yes - BEHOLD the glory that is foam!Thomas Jefferson!

Naturally, he comes with his own little Declaration of Independence Constitution, because that totally makes more sense than the Declaration of Independence? There was also a little set of fun facts. The whole thing came with some easel backs to glue on the back so you can display him around the house, but he may just end up in my smash book instead. I don't really have the space for him to be up on an easel. 

The downside to foam!Jefferson? I discovered I hate working with foam. Until the glue settles, it slips and slides eeeverywhere. The vest and jacket also don't fit together perfectly. I didn't discover this until it was too late to try to cut it with my X-acto knife.  Oh well. It's still cute, even if his clothes are kind of falling off. He'll look great wherever I put him. 

New Thing #1 - Scrapbooking and SMASH

Back awhile ago, Shae posted pictures on her Flickr account of some scrapbook pages she did for derby. I've had the urge to scrapbook for awhile but this finally pushed me over the edge to try it. I apologize now; this is a very image heavy post.

1. Scrapbooking is much more involved than I thought. There are so many sites devoted to it, with some people viewing it as a very formal artform with structured designs and themes while others tell you that it doesn't matter what you do with it so long as you have fun.  With any particular page, you need to figure out where you're placing your pictures, add fun little crap to it, maybe write something to go along with the picture (I chose to skip this step because all of the pictures I used were old enough that I didn't really have anything to say), have a title for the page, etc. Before getting into this, scrapbooking to me was just putting pictures on pretty paper and maybe included some pretty stickers or something.

2. Scrapbooking is expensive as fuck. Seriously. I bought a beginners kit and used that so it's not been too bad. However, I went ahead and bought a whole bunch of extra papers and whatnot, plus some neat pens and wavy scissors and... next thing I knew, I had over $50 worth of stuff. I go home, do more research on it and realize how many little things I still don't have - a paper cutter, a cricut, ephemera... plus after I opened it, I realized the pen pack I bought isn't really what I wanted. They are very thin, fine point. I'm keeping them for use on other things, but for the scrapbook I'd like a thicker pen.

3. You can scrapbook without all of those expensive little things but you either need the stuff or the talent to make it look good. I have neither. My pages are a little boring so far. They might improve with time, but I'm not holding my breath. I bought a zebra striped scrapbook that I was going to use for all the stupid/awesome things I've done in my lifetime (drive overnight to Salem Massachusetts to see the Halloween decorations, drive overnight to DC for the Rally to Restore Sanity only to arrive so tired that we just walked around the museums and had conversations that resembled that stage between drunk and hungover, moving to Florida with no car/job/home just a sleeping bag and $400, joining roller derby, 1776 nights, etc.). Instead, I think I just might make it work as my fandom one (since I bought a HP scrapbook kit too that needs to be used) and use my new Smash book for all the random shit.

As for Smash book, if you're not familiar with it, the company that produces it has a cute little video with information on the concept.

There are a number of different pre-set themes for Smash books. You don't necessarily need to follow the theme; it's really just for the paper you start out with. I picked up two of them - one for travel (I was going to do a travel scrapbook, but this seems like it would be easier to keep all of my stuff together) and one for the more everyday stuff I do. I can easily see where this would be another hobby that could be easily expensive, but perhaps less so. The Smash accessories seem fairly inexpensive at this point. Once I get my printer up and going, I can print stuff that way as well. I'm thinking I should have started out with the Smash book and worked my way up to scrapbooking. It's a good way for beginners to get into the craft. I don't have any completed pages yet, but here's what I have so far.

Everything changes...

You may have noticed some changes on this blog. The blog started as... well, to be honestly, it started as an attempt to squat on this address, just to maintain my name on as many social media networks as possible. Once I started writing, I focused almost entirely on roller derby here before I disappeared.

The reason I stopped writing isn't because I've dropped derby. I'm still reffing. You'll still see that here. However, I'm finding my time is being drawn into a number of different directions. I still want/need a place to release my thoughts but initially wanted to maintain the integrity of the theme I started here.

So instead I just didn't post. Because, you know, that helps, too.

I'm now facing the thought that my time in derby might be limited. I have five classes left in school. With my work schedule, I can only manage 2-3 classes at a time. It's becoming increasingly difficult to avoid taking classes on derby nights. I foresee a break from derby in my future. I actually took one at the end of last semester due to falling behind in my classes from an overabundance of vacations and it's been difficult to get back, to say the least. The only thing that's pulled me back is my small circle of friends and a couple of our local refs. Even if I do manage to avoid classes on practice nights, I'm not getting the skate time and rules study time outside of practice that is necessary to do well in the sport. (Entirely my fault, it should be noted. I could make time for it, but find myself less and less inclined to do so.) I'm considering my options. I can A) make the time and continue to skate, B) become a NSO, C) take a break or D) quit permanently. I'll certainly keep in touch and discuss my decision.

I'm still leaning towards continuing, but every day it's hitting me how old I'm getting. There's so much in the world I want to see and do. My life goal has always been to see the world. It seemed impossible as a child. We never had the money to travel outside of the state unless we were visiting family in the neighboring state. Even then it was only my grandmother that could afford to go, not my parents, so grandma and I would pick up and make the four hour drive south. Those trips gave me a taste of travel and now, finally, I'm reaching a point where I may be able to do so. A few years ago, I went with my best friend Shae to New Orleans, a city I always dreamed of seeing as a child, for a Harry Potter conference. Two years ago, I went on a (free!) Greek adventure, touring Athens, parts of the Greek coastline, and one of the local islands. Later that same year, I went on my first cruise and stayed for a few nights in the Bahamas. Last year (just a few months ago, really!), I went to Hawaii. My aunt and I have become travel buddies. This year, she wants to go to Puerto Rico. I'm also going to New Hampshire for a Harry Potter conference, but we're doing it as a mini-road trip. (I say "mini road trip" because I'm flying to DC where a friend will pick me up. We'll head from there to New Hampshire, stopping somewhere in between for the night.)

I also had a friend tell me about a blog she's reading where the writer does something new for every year of her life. I turn 31 this year, so I've decided I want to try to do 31 new things this year before my birthday. Some of them will be boring. Some will be exciting. But I'll blog about them all, as well as my other adventures, here.

It's going to be an amazing year.

Some days I feel as if learning how to ref is like learning a foreign language. You eventually reach this point where you feel like you know the rules, you know the words, but you just can't spit it out. They commit the penalty, you watch it go down, but you don't say anything because every word related to derby has just fallen out of your head. By the time you realize you want to call it, it feels really late and someone else is already committing a penalty in front of you. Other times, you call it, but the words don't come out in the right order.  Half the time I'm calling a person's name, the penalty, and the color. The other half, I'm calling it properly. I'm JUST NOW starting to remember to use the freaking hand signals.

We have our first WFTDA bout in less than a month, and I'm freaking out.

1. I haven't started calling things on a regular basis yet. I'm just now starting to open my mouth at practice, and even then I'm not that loud.

2. I'm not ready to fuck up in public. Fucking up is bad enough at practice.

3. I'm not ready to fuck up in front of other derby teams. I don't want to make the league and my fellow refs look bad.

4. My foot/leg is giving me trouble still. I have horrible form still and favor that leg, particularly when doing things like trying to stop at a good speed.

5. I still suck at dodging and weaving. Someone's going to take me out and it's not going to be pretty.

::zombie noises::

My normal non-practice days:
6:30AM - alarm goes off
7:15AM - wake up, realize I only have 20 minutes to get out of the house, freak out
8AM-5PM - work
530PM - home, dinner
615PM - 10PM - studying for State Gov with small breaks every 20 minutes
10PM - 12PM - studying for GIS with small breaks
12-630/715AM - sleep

Normal practice days:
8AM-5PM - work
Day 1 - 530PM-7PM - study for state government
7:20PM - leave for practice
11:30PM - get home, shower, bed.
Day 2: 5-6PM - commute
6PM-?? - class
?? - 10:30 - practice
11:30 - get home, shower, bed


I know I say this a lot, but I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. This particular semester is killing me. At least in previous semesters, I've had something resembling a social life. I miss people. I miss going out and taking walks.

If graduating school doesn't turn out to be the best thing ever, I'm going to be very upset. I keep telling myself that I have longevity on my side when applying for post-graduation jobs (because that's one thing a 22 year old graduate doesn't have - a job history showing that I've worked the same job for freaking ever and will stick with things until I'm good.)

It's killing me though. I have a con I want to prep for. I seriously need costume stuff like crazy. I need to get my hair cut. I need to try to find a way to get rid of this old bed frame before I go nuts. There are a bunch of bouts this weekend that need refs and NSOs that I'd love to go help. I need to go to an open-skate session.

Three more weeks of the class from hell, then Ascendio, then my GIS paper is due, then blissful, wonderful freedom.

We're officially in the lovely transition period between OSDA and WFTDA. Last night was our first full night of WFTDA scrimmaging. It went well, I think.

1. I feel more comfortable with WFTDA than OSDA, possibly because I've probably seen a ton more WFTDA bouts now. We were the only OSDA team in the state, so if I went to see anyone else play, it was WFTDA. Since I'm more comfortable, I'm actually calling things, even if I'm not calling things properly yet (that's my goal for Monday.)

2. The packs are starting to slow. They still have a tendency to pick up speed occasionally, but the drills that the coach has been doing with them seem to really be helping slow the pack down. OSDA is a very quick-paced game. WFTDA is MUCH slower, which seems to give the blockers a chance to think about strategy more, form walls more efficiently, etc. (As a ref with craptastic skate skills and an appreciation for strategy, I really enjoy this.)

3. Penalties are more frequent. It's not because WFTDA's rules are tougher. Quite honestly, most of the things we're calling in WFTDA are things we called in OSDA as well (though I'm not sure how much of that is because I started reffing near the transition when the league was using the OSDA league discretion rule to add additional rules as necessary.)  However, in WFTDA, you're free to make more penalties than you could in OSDA. Some penalties that were a minute in the box in OSDA are just minors now, so they can do it four times before they get their minute. Plus, with more freedom came bigger hits.   There were definitely more instances of skaters flying into ref territory last night.

With my personal transition from skater to ref, I've found I've become a bit more lazy. I can't remember the last open skate session I went to. I've been horrible about doing my physical therapy. I used to be great about doing half an hour of exercises minimum each day just for my ankle. Now it's a miracle if I take a minute while I'm at the copier at work and balance on one ankle waiting for the copy job to finish up. To be fair, part of it is my school schedule. I'm taking an insane eight week class that includes a freaking ton of reading, a 50 question quiz, two essays (both requiring additional readings), and 8 discussion posts in response to our classmates' essays *each week*. I also added on that Wednesday class that I mentioned in another post. The professor normally tries to get us out at 8-ish, but the book assignments are insane so I didn't make it out until 9:30 in the beginning. It's 20/25 minutes to the rink from the HPA building, so that would have put me as arriving at probably 9:55, change out of work clothes, gear up...I'd maybe get 15 minutes of skating. *sad face*

I think I'm pretty set on not doing recruitment again in October. I kind of like reffing right now. I mean, there's always a chance things will change, but reffing works well with my school schedule while still getting me out of the house and exercising. That's really all I've been looking for. I might reconsider skating after graduation once I figure out the post-graduation job situation.

Practice this week was interesting. There was pain, new experiences, and a new (old) love.

 To begin with, on Sunday we went to the beach before heading over to watch a friend's bout. While at the beach, my back ended up *torched*. I haven't had a burn this bad in years (if ever. I honestly don't remember having a burn this bad before, excluding when I ended up with third degree burns on my ear from the sun at renfaire. This was worse just because it was over such a large bit of skin that's so important to every day functions.) All week, I've been tense anytime someone was too close to me out of fear that someone would accidentally bump my back, or knock me over in a way that I hit the sunburn. Even moving my arms hurt like a son of a bitch. I don't know what would have happened if I would have fallen at practice on Monday. I'm not 100% sure I could have made it back up. It actually felt a lot better by the end of practice, possibly due to all the sweat keeping the sunburn moist, but it would be back to sucking by the next morning. So yes, as you can imagine, not bending or being able to get close to other people made me as graceful as one could be. XD Naturally, this is the time to try jam reffing for the first time.

 Jam reffing is *hard*. Seriously. My go-to stop is plow stopping, which I can see might need to change here soon as it's not a great stop when coming up on the pack and getting in close to the inside pack ref and the other jam ref. When the night first started, I stood in the middle and just watched. Even just being in the middle is crazy hectic. I've only ever been on the outside of the track, so I've never fully experienced this. Once I got used to that, it was time to jump in on jam reffing. I started out just doing the WFTDA jams with the new Psychos. I actually feel more confident with WFTDA rules just because I watch so much of it. (Plus it's a little easier to keep up with the new Psychos than it is with skaters like Gitmo and Lost Angeles. Both are crazy fast skaters.) It's going to be awhile before I feel confident enough to do that in the bout. Right now I'm focusing on keeping up with people. Trying to keep track of points and penalties while doing it seems way beyond my capabilities. It was a lot of fun though, and at least I had a chance to skate.)

 Wednesday one of the more experienced refs took pity on me and gave me some one-on-one skate instruction. We worked a little bit on my crossovers (which apparently suck more than I realized.) After awhile of going around, I mentioned that I feel like I'm fighting my feet all the time, and she had one of the skate rink's employees take a look at my skates. A bunch of my wheels were too loose, my back trucks were way loose, my front trucks were too tight and awkwardly angled. J fixed everything up for me, gave me a warning that it's going to be completely different skating, and sent me on my way. And you know, she was right. It was like I was on a completely new set of skates. I felt like a baby trying to walk for the first time. Once I adjusted though, skating was easier. I picked up speed, my crossovers are smoother and I almost look like I know what I'm doing. And that's when I finally fell in love with my skates.

 I can't wait until practice on Monday.

Slowly becoming a ref

Conversation at Monday's practice. I was talking to one new ref about the game I went to the night before, and one of the older refs jumped in.

 Ref 1: So how was the bout?
Me: It was great! One of the Lakeland girls was ejected. It was pretty awesome - first time I've ever seen it happen!
Ref 2: Spoken like a true ref.

First (and last) scrimmage

My first scrimmage was just as exciting and terrifying as I thought it would be. I'm still pretty useless in a pack, but felt like I was getting better. Not good enough though - I was still the weak link in the wall each and every time the jammer passed. I have very vague recollections of the jams. It's just a weird mish-mash in my brain of sights and sounds. I remember Deni jamming and heading for the inside line. I tried to block her and fell on my ass. At the moment, I wasn't too sure what happened because I was sure I should have hit her with the way she was coming up, but then the pack ref outside the track called her for a track cut as I was scrambling up, so I'm guessing she went inside the lines. I remember being pivot and getting stuck somehow inside the pack trying to help my jammer get through, only to realize that we left the inside line open and trying to haul ass to the outside (fact: I can not haul ass. XD) I got knocked around a bit but managed to stay on my feet at least. I think I only fell once... maybe. I don't know. Again, it was kind of a blur. I also had the sour taste of not being good enough in my mouth (a taste I hope to never experience again.) I'd love to give it a try again, though it will be my last scrimmage until probably the next time I get the balls to go through a third recruitment (I've decided to hold off another recruitment until I'm sure I can pass the minimum skills on the first day. After two recruitments, I'm not risking failing a third.)

Wednesday, I went in again and kind of wished I didn't. Not because I didn't want to be there; I just didn't want to be there so soon after being cut. There were a lot of awkward conversations and pitying looks from people. A few of the Psycho Sisters came up and told me that they're glad that I'm back, which made me feel a lot better about being there that day. Plus, two of the newest Psychos that used to ref genuinely seemed excited that I'm reffing. They helped me keep my sanity.

I'm not entirely sure why I felt that way during practice. I mean, I've seriously thought about reffing before. Shae and I discussed it a lot when we first were looking into this and considering joining. I'm genuinely excited about the opportunity. I guess it's just the stress of the mess going on at my job right now combined with being a failure for pretty much the first time in my life.

I have to admit though - I'm excited to get a ref shirt. XD I can't wait to see how long it takes me to actually start.

Not Surprised

I didn't make the league. I was 100% expecting it. It was a relief to be the first one called over, too, so I got it over with. I'm not skating to my full potential, I need time to heal my ankle, etc. They're all true points. I finished up physical therapy about two weeks ago, and I'm starting to hurt again (quite possible due to a weird fall I took while testing when I effed up my tomahawk.) This gives me time to try to work on healing it up. Exciting part though?

I'm going to start reffing!

Okay, it's not the ideal for me. I wanted to actually *play*. But I've honestly thought about reffing before, so when they offered the opportunity, I jumped on it. I've got most of the gear; I just need to order a shirt. It's a great opportunity to become familiar with the rules. I still get to skate, so I still get the exercise each week (which is what I'm in this for anyways.) I don't need to pay dues each month, so that helps in my recovery process. Mondays I would help with scrimmages, Wednesdays I would be able to join in drills to work on my skate skills. I'm honestly not sure how often I'd actually end up making the Wednesday practices. I think I'm going to add in a Wednesday class this summer to try to get my degree in quicker. I'm so close to graduation, I can taste it. Now that I've added in that class, I just need to figure out how to throw in two more classes before the end of Spring 2013 in order to graduate that April.

Nerves

We find out our test results tonight. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Going strictly off of my test results, I have no chance. I'm still struggling with endurance, and I have no speed. My hip checks need some work, particularly on my right side where I'm still struggling to even be able to balance my weight on my right ankle. I feel like I did a good job on shoulder and drag blocks, but I don't know. Maybe what felt right to me wasn't actually right. My positional blocking still needs some work. That's one area that I've really struggled with. I used to go to Barber Park to try to work on stuff like that with Shae, but right after I got back up on skates, they closed the rink at Barber Park. I think it re-opened this weekend, but it's a little late now.

Whether or not we make the league is decided by a vote. The league members review our test results, attendance, participation in events, attitude, etc. My test results aren't great, but I've fulfilled my event requirements, maintained a good attitude at practice, and attended all but one practice (though most of them don't actually count for shit due to being off-skates.)

Best case scenario? I still have a lot of practice time to make up due to being out so much. Maybe I'll make it up and they'll decide on my status at that point.

Worst case scenario? Not only do I not make it, but I get told that I'm done, pack it up and go home. I mean, it's my second recruitment. I was already an Honorary and didn't really improve. This could be it for me.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a bit of a pessimist? 'cause I am.

Testing

Testing is this week, and I don't know if I should be nervous or not. o.O I missed a month or so due to injury, so I'm certainly not going to be an official league member afterwards. At the same time, I don't want to embarrass myself out there and I want to make sure I do well enough to be able to scrimmage with everyone else.

Last time I had testing, I skated all weekend - went to a bunch of skate sessions and wore myself out. It didn't seem to help any, so this time I'm relaxing at home. I did extra ankle exercises to try to help with that, did the roller derby workout video, and am now hanging out on the couch with the ankle elevated and iced. The ankle is mostly better now. I get twinges a couple of times a day, particularly when I'm back at my normal desk which includes an awful stool that leaves my toes pointing down all day. However, when I'm skating, it feels a lot better. I'm not getting pain anymore. This is the first week I've skated without pain. But the whole area is still really tight, so I still stop every once in awhile to sort of roll it out. They thought it would be another month or two before that goes away, assuming I do my exercises. The leg is also extremely weak compared to the other. It fatigues very easily, so by the end of practice, I'm not always certain I'll be able to take that baby step off the rink. But it's getting there.

I really don't think I can express how nervous I am right now. I went ahead and picked up a small container of Blue Bell Dutch Chocolate ice cream to drown my sorrows in after practices this week. I'm a little worried about what's going to happen with me after recruitment, what with missing so much practice and all. Our couch posted a little note on the forums that I think was designed to calm us down, encourage us to ask questions if we have them, but I think I'm going to wait to ask my questions until the end. I need to see how I do this week before I can even think about the next step.

I know this is a fairly common statement on my blog but... I AM SO BEHIND. I started skating again about two weeks ago now. I had to miss one day due to awful food poisoning (I will never be able to eat a chicken tender ever again in my life.) It was only my first completely missed practice in this recruitment, but it feels like so much more since I was off-skates for so much of it. They've been doing a lot of pack drills and I'm having difficulty keeping up. I can stay with the pack, but I can't move around very quickly. While moving on the outside should be be harder for me being a slower skater, in a way I found it was easier because I can occasionally stick my bad leg out to the side and give it that quick stretch it needs every once in awhile.

There was another drill that gave me trouble over the last few practices where we practiced forming walls and helping our jammers past the blockers. I am *totally useless* in a pack right now. I'd look behind me, see the jammer is coming up on my right, try to cut across the track only to find myself looking at the jammer from behind. I'd rush up to try catch up with them, but being quite possibly the second slowest skater in recruitment right now, there's just no catching up. We've run through the drill a number of times and so far I've not successfully blocked a single person (unless you count the time I accidentally wheel-locked myself and tripped, taking out one of the blockers and giving my jammer a chance to pass by.)

The ankle is holding up well, considering all it's been through. The pain is about gone. I skated last night pretty much pain free. There was a little bit of difficulty during warm-ups, but once I tightened up my skate and my heel stopped shifting in my boot, it was fine. They're shifting me to once a week now in physical therapy instead of twice a week, but it's going to be more aggressive, so we'll see how I do after that. The fact that it's not hurting though gives me hope. My leg is still completely useless. By the second time I attempted my five-in-one, I could barely support my own weight. By about halfway through practice, I've got that burning feeling you get in your muscles when you're working muscles that have never been used before. By 3/4s of the way through, it's numb and has the consistency of a noodle. But at least it doesn't hurt! Weak, I can handle. That just means it's time to get to the gym.

I'm back up on skates again and promise I will update soon!

In the meantime, Five Stages of Grief and the Third Year Beginner - I am very familiar with the stages mentioned in here. This is pretty much everything I was feeling after last recruitment, except I was much worse than this girl. Hell, on my five-in-one last time around, I was 20 seconds over. I wasn't quite at the point of needing to talk to a mental health professional, but still, you get the general idea of things. So, yeah, interesting read for anyone who doesn't end up making it on a team.

Ugh. I can't handle this any more. I need to skate. I promised the physical therapist I would take a week off from skating again, and I did. I'm getting back up on Wednesday. I think I've also reached my limit in physical therapy. The pain was bad in the beginning, but going to PT just made it worse and worse. I'm going to talk to them on Wednesday morning about being discharged. This is getting ridiculous. I was supposed to be in for three weeks. It's almost two months now. I'm missing my entire recruitment and some things were said tonight that made me feel really self-conscious about the fact that I've been sitting out for so long, that I'm on my second recruitment, and made me seriously sit down and face the fact that I might not make it through this time... again. Everyone else looked great tonight out there skating, and they're all doing crap that I just can't do yet. It's going to take so much to catch up, and I'm going to be hindered so much by the fact that my ankle hurts more than it did in the beginning.

Plus, a couple of the Psycho Sisters recently sprained their ankles. They're up and going again, though taking it slow. If they can do it, I can do it... right? I really want to get up and do these drills. I think I probably could have handled tonight but I still felt a bit of pain and, again, I had promised I'd sit out a little longer.

I also think I'm going to start ditching the ankle brace. I kind of feel as if that's adding more to the pain than it's taking away, because it's hindering my movement. I'm having trouble bending at the ankle because of how restrictive it is. I feel like it increased the pain in the plantar fascia as well as in the right side of my calf above my ankle.

So basically, everything the doctor told me, I might be throwing out the window.

Fun Fact of the Day

When you're injured and already sore from skating and some off-skates plyometrics, getting drunk and jumping on a trampoline is not the best recovery plan.

Just had to make a quick update before work. While I felt like a horrible person for quitting early, it was totally the best thing for me. I still have the lovely body soreness that I use as a gauge for whether or not I pushed myself hard enough at practice, but don't have the crippling ankle pain this morning that I had on Tuesday morning. Yay!

Physical therapy tomorrow to hopefully get shit straight.