First (and last) scrimmage

My first scrimmage was just as exciting and terrifying as I thought it would be. I'm still pretty useless in a pack, but felt like I was getting better. Not good enough though - I was still the weak link in the wall each and every time the jammer passed. I have very vague recollections of the jams. It's just a weird mish-mash in my brain of sights and sounds. I remember Deni jamming and heading for the inside line. I tried to block her and fell on my ass. At the moment, I wasn't too sure what happened because I was sure I should have hit her with the way she was coming up, but then the pack ref outside the track called her for a track cut as I was scrambling up, so I'm guessing she went inside the lines. I remember being pivot and getting stuck somehow inside the pack trying to help my jammer get through, only to realize that we left the inside line open and trying to haul ass to the outside (fact: I can not haul ass. XD) I got knocked around a bit but managed to stay on my feet at least. I think I only fell once... maybe. I don't know. Again, it was kind of a blur. I also had the sour taste of not being good enough in my mouth (a taste I hope to never experience again.) I'd love to give it a try again, though it will be my last scrimmage until probably the next time I get the balls to go through a third recruitment (I've decided to hold off another recruitment until I'm sure I can pass the minimum skills on the first day. After two recruitments, I'm not risking failing a third.)

Wednesday, I went in again and kind of wished I didn't. Not because I didn't want to be there; I just didn't want to be there so soon after being cut. There were a lot of awkward conversations and pitying looks from people. A few of the Psycho Sisters came up and told me that they're glad that I'm back, which made me feel a lot better about being there that day. Plus, two of the newest Psychos that used to ref genuinely seemed excited that I'm reffing. They helped me keep my sanity.

I'm not entirely sure why I felt that way during practice. I mean, I've seriously thought about reffing before. Shae and I discussed it a lot when we first were looking into this and considering joining. I'm genuinely excited about the opportunity. I guess it's just the stress of the mess going on at my job right now combined with being a failure for pretty much the first time in my life.

I have to admit though - I'm excited to get a ref shirt. XD I can't wait to see how long it takes me to actually start.

Not Surprised

I didn't make the league. I was 100% expecting it. It was a relief to be the first one called over, too, so I got it over with. I'm not skating to my full potential, I need time to heal my ankle, etc. They're all true points. I finished up physical therapy about two weeks ago, and I'm starting to hurt again (quite possible due to a weird fall I took while testing when I effed up my tomahawk.) This gives me time to try to work on healing it up. Exciting part though?

I'm going to start reffing!

Okay, it's not the ideal for me. I wanted to actually *play*. But I've honestly thought about reffing before, so when they offered the opportunity, I jumped on it. I've got most of the gear; I just need to order a shirt. It's a great opportunity to become familiar with the rules. I still get to skate, so I still get the exercise each week (which is what I'm in this for anyways.) I don't need to pay dues each month, so that helps in my recovery process. Mondays I would help with scrimmages, Wednesdays I would be able to join in drills to work on my skate skills. I'm honestly not sure how often I'd actually end up making the Wednesday practices. I think I'm going to add in a Wednesday class this summer to try to get my degree in quicker. I'm so close to graduation, I can taste it. Now that I've added in that class, I just need to figure out how to throw in two more classes before the end of Spring 2013 in order to graduate that April.

Nerves

We find out our test results tonight. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Going strictly off of my test results, I have no chance. I'm still struggling with endurance, and I have no speed. My hip checks need some work, particularly on my right side where I'm still struggling to even be able to balance my weight on my right ankle. I feel like I did a good job on shoulder and drag blocks, but I don't know. Maybe what felt right to me wasn't actually right. My positional blocking still needs some work. That's one area that I've really struggled with. I used to go to Barber Park to try to work on stuff like that with Shae, but right after I got back up on skates, they closed the rink at Barber Park. I think it re-opened this weekend, but it's a little late now.

Whether or not we make the league is decided by a vote. The league members review our test results, attendance, participation in events, attitude, etc. My test results aren't great, but I've fulfilled my event requirements, maintained a good attitude at practice, and attended all but one practice (though most of them don't actually count for shit due to being off-skates.)

Best case scenario? I still have a lot of practice time to make up due to being out so much. Maybe I'll make it up and they'll decide on my status at that point.

Worst case scenario? Not only do I not make it, but I get told that I'm done, pack it up and go home. I mean, it's my second recruitment. I was already an Honorary and didn't really improve. This could be it for me.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a bit of a pessimist? 'cause I am.

Testing

Testing is this week, and I don't know if I should be nervous or not. o.O I missed a month or so due to injury, so I'm certainly not going to be an official league member afterwards. At the same time, I don't want to embarrass myself out there and I want to make sure I do well enough to be able to scrimmage with everyone else.

Last time I had testing, I skated all weekend - went to a bunch of skate sessions and wore myself out. It didn't seem to help any, so this time I'm relaxing at home. I did extra ankle exercises to try to help with that, did the roller derby workout video, and am now hanging out on the couch with the ankle elevated and iced. The ankle is mostly better now. I get twinges a couple of times a day, particularly when I'm back at my normal desk which includes an awful stool that leaves my toes pointing down all day. However, when I'm skating, it feels a lot better. I'm not getting pain anymore. This is the first week I've skated without pain. But the whole area is still really tight, so I still stop every once in awhile to sort of roll it out. They thought it would be another month or two before that goes away, assuming I do my exercises. The leg is also extremely weak compared to the other. It fatigues very easily, so by the end of practice, I'm not always certain I'll be able to take that baby step off the rink. But it's getting there.

I really don't think I can express how nervous I am right now. I went ahead and picked up a small container of Blue Bell Dutch Chocolate ice cream to drown my sorrows in after practices this week. I'm a little worried about what's going to happen with me after recruitment, what with missing so much practice and all. Our couch posted a little note on the forums that I think was designed to calm us down, encourage us to ask questions if we have them, but I think I'm going to wait to ask my questions until the end. I need to see how I do this week before I can even think about the next step.

I know this is a fairly common statement on my blog but... I AM SO BEHIND. I started skating again about two weeks ago now. I had to miss one day due to awful food poisoning (I will never be able to eat a chicken tender ever again in my life.) It was only my first completely missed practice in this recruitment, but it feels like so much more since I was off-skates for so much of it. They've been doing a lot of pack drills and I'm having difficulty keeping up. I can stay with the pack, but I can't move around very quickly. While moving on the outside should be be harder for me being a slower skater, in a way I found it was easier because I can occasionally stick my bad leg out to the side and give it that quick stretch it needs every once in awhile.

There was another drill that gave me trouble over the last few practices where we practiced forming walls and helping our jammers past the blockers. I am *totally useless* in a pack right now. I'd look behind me, see the jammer is coming up on my right, try to cut across the track only to find myself looking at the jammer from behind. I'd rush up to try catch up with them, but being quite possibly the second slowest skater in recruitment right now, there's just no catching up. We've run through the drill a number of times and so far I've not successfully blocked a single person (unless you count the time I accidentally wheel-locked myself and tripped, taking out one of the blockers and giving my jammer a chance to pass by.)

The ankle is holding up well, considering all it's been through. The pain is about gone. I skated last night pretty much pain free. There was a little bit of difficulty during warm-ups, but once I tightened up my skate and my heel stopped shifting in my boot, it was fine. They're shifting me to once a week now in physical therapy instead of twice a week, but it's going to be more aggressive, so we'll see how I do after that. The fact that it's not hurting though gives me hope. My leg is still completely useless. By the second time I attempted my five-in-one, I could barely support my own weight. By about halfway through practice, I've got that burning feeling you get in your muscles when you're working muscles that have never been used before. By 3/4s of the way through, it's numb and has the consistency of a noodle. But at least it doesn't hurt! Weak, I can handle. That just means it's time to get to the gym.

I'm back up on skates again and promise I will update soon!

In the meantime, Five Stages of Grief and the Third Year Beginner - I am very familiar with the stages mentioned in here. This is pretty much everything I was feeling after last recruitment, except I was much worse than this girl. Hell, on my five-in-one last time around, I was 20 seconds over. I wasn't quite at the point of needing to talk to a mental health professional, but still, you get the general idea of things. So, yeah, interesting read for anyone who doesn't end up making it on a team.

Ugh. I can't handle this any more. I need to skate. I promised the physical therapist I would take a week off from skating again, and I did. I'm getting back up on Wednesday. I think I've also reached my limit in physical therapy. The pain was bad in the beginning, but going to PT just made it worse and worse. I'm going to talk to them on Wednesday morning about being discharged. This is getting ridiculous. I was supposed to be in for three weeks. It's almost two months now. I'm missing my entire recruitment and some things were said tonight that made me feel really self-conscious about the fact that I've been sitting out for so long, that I'm on my second recruitment, and made me seriously sit down and face the fact that I might not make it through this time... again. Everyone else looked great tonight out there skating, and they're all doing crap that I just can't do yet. It's going to take so much to catch up, and I'm going to be hindered so much by the fact that my ankle hurts more than it did in the beginning.

Plus, a couple of the Psycho Sisters recently sprained their ankles. They're up and going again, though taking it slow. If they can do it, I can do it... right? I really want to get up and do these drills. I think I probably could have handled tonight but I still felt a bit of pain and, again, I had promised I'd sit out a little longer.

I also think I'm going to start ditching the ankle brace. I kind of feel as if that's adding more to the pain than it's taking away, because it's hindering my movement. I'm having trouble bending at the ankle because of how restrictive it is. I feel like it increased the pain in the plantar fascia as well as in the right side of my calf above my ankle.

So basically, everything the doctor told me, I might be throwing out the window.