First (and last) scrimmage

My first scrimmage was just as exciting and terrifying as I thought it would be. I'm still pretty useless in a pack, but felt like I was getting better. Not good enough though - I was still the weak link in the wall each and every time the jammer passed. I have very vague recollections of the jams. It's just a weird mish-mash in my brain of sights and sounds. I remember Deni jamming and heading for the inside line. I tried to block her and fell on my ass. At the moment, I wasn't too sure what happened because I was sure I should have hit her with the way she was coming up, but then the pack ref outside the track called her for a track cut as I was scrambling up, so I'm guessing she went inside the lines. I remember being pivot and getting stuck somehow inside the pack trying to help my jammer get through, only to realize that we left the inside line open and trying to haul ass to the outside (fact: I can not haul ass. XD) I got knocked around a bit but managed to stay on my feet at least. I think I only fell once... maybe. I don't know. Again, it was kind of a blur. I also had the sour taste of not being good enough in my mouth (a taste I hope to never experience again.) I'd love to give it a try again, though it will be my last scrimmage until probably the next time I get the balls to go through a third recruitment (I've decided to hold off another recruitment until I'm sure I can pass the minimum skills on the first day. After two recruitments, I'm not risking failing a third.)

Wednesday, I went in again and kind of wished I didn't. Not because I didn't want to be there; I just didn't want to be there so soon after being cut. There were a lot of awkward conversations and pitying looks from people. A few of the Psycho Sisters came up and told me that they're glad that I'm back, which made me feel a lot better about being there that day. Plus, two of the newest Psychos that used to ref genuinely seemed excited that I'm reffing. They helped me keep my sanity.

I'm not entirely sure why I felt that way during practice. I mean, I've seriously thought about reffing before. Shae and I discussed it a lot when we first were looking into this and considering joining. I'm genuinely excited about the opportunity. I guess it's just the stress of the mess going on at my job right now combined with being a failure for pretty much the first time in my life.

I have to admit though - I'm excited to get a ref shirt. XD I can't wait to see how long it takes me to actually start.

Not Surprised

I didn't make the league. I was 100% expecting it. It was a relief to be the first one called over, too, so I got it over with. I'm not skating to my full potential, I need time to heal my ankle, etc. They're all true points. I finished up physical therapy about two weeks ago, and I'm starting to hurt again (quite possible due to a weird fall I took while testing when I effed up my tomahawk.) This gives me time to try to work on healing it up. Exciting part though?

I'm going to start reffing!

Okay, it's not the ideal for me. I wanted to actually *play*. But I've honestly thought about reffing before, so when they offered the opportunity, I jumped on it. I've got most of the gear; I just need to order a shirt. It's a great opportunity to become familiar with the rules. I still get to skate, so I still get the exercise each week (which is what I'm in this for anyways.) I don't need to pay dues each month, so that helps in my recovery process. Mondays I would help with scrimmages, Wednesdays I would be able to join in drills to work on my skate skills. I'm honestly not sure how often I'd actually end up making the Wednesday practices. I think I'm going to add in a Wednesday class this summer to try to get my degree in quicker. I'm so close to graduation, I can taste it. Now that I've added in that class, I just need to figure out how to throw in two more classes before the end of Spring 2013 in order to graduate that April.

Nerves

We find out our test results tonight. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Going strictly off of my test results, I have no chance. I'm still struggling with endurance, and I have no speed. My hip checks need some work, particularly on my right side where I'm still struggling to even be able to balance my weight on my right ankle. I feel like I did a good job on shoulder and drag blocks, but I don't know. Maybe what felt right to me wasn't actually right. My positional blocking still needs some work. That's one area that I've really struggled with. I used to go to Barber Park to try to work on stuff like that with Shae, but right after I got back up on skates, they closed the rink at Barber Park. I think it re-opened this weekend, but it's a little late now.

Whether or not we make the league is decided by a vote. The league members review our test results, attendance, participation in events, attitude, etc. My test results aren't great, but I've fulfilled my event requirements, maintained a good attitude at practice, and attended all but one practice (though most of them don't actually count for shit due to being off-skates.)

Best case scenario? I still have a lot of practice time to make up due to being out so much. Maybe I'll make it up and they'll decide on my status at that point.

Worst case scenario? Not only do I not make it, but I get told that I'm done, pack it up and go home. I mean, it's my second recruitment. I was already an Honorary and didn't really improve. This could be it for me.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a bit of a pessimist? 'cause I am.

Testing

Testing is this week, and I don't know if I should be nervous or not. o.O I missed a month or so due to injury, so I'm certainly not going to be an official league member afterwards. At the same time, I don't want to embarrass myself out there and I want to make sure I do well enough to be able to scrimmage with everyone else.

Last time I had testing, I skated all weekend - went to a bunch of skate sessions and wore myself out. It didn't seem to help any, so this time I'm relaxing at home. I did extra ankle exercises to try to help with that, did the roller derby workout video, and am now hanging out on the couch with the ankle elevated and iced. The ankle is mostly better now. I get twinges a couple of times a day, particularly when I'm back at my normal desk which includes an awful stool that leaves my toes pointing down all day. However, when I'm skating, it feels a lot better. I'm not getting pain anymore. This is the first week I've skated without pain. But the whole area is still really tight, so I still stop every once in awhile to sort of roll it out. They thought it would be another month or two before that goes away, assuming I do my exercises. The leg is also extremely weak compared to the other. It fatigues very easily, so by the end of practice, I'm not always certain I'll be able to take that baby step off the rink. But it's getting there.

I really don't think I can express how nervous I am right now. I went ahead and picked up a small container of Blue Bell Dutch Chocolate ice cream to drown my sorrows in after practices this week. I'm a little worried about what's going to happen with me after recruitment, what with missing so much practice and all. Our couch posted a little note on the forums that I think was designed to calm us down, encourage us to ask questions if we have them, but I think I'm going to wait to ask my questions until the end. I need to see how I do this week before I can even think about the next step.