First (and last) scrimmage

My first scrimmage was just as exciting and terrifying as I thought it would be. I'm still pretty useless in a pack, but felt like I was getting better. Not good enough though - I was still the weak link in the wall each and every time the jammer passed. I have very vague recollections of the jams. It's just a weird mish-mash in my brain of sights and sounds. I remember Deni jamming and heading for the inside line. I tried to block her and fell on my ass. At the moment, I wasn't too sure what happened because I was sure I should have hit her with the way she was coming up, but then the pack ref outside the track called her for a track cut as I was scrambling up, so I'm guessing she went inside the lines. I remember being pivot and getting stuck somehow inside the pack trying to help my jammer get through, only to realize that we left the inside line open and trying to haul ass to the outside (fact: I can not haul ass. XD) I got knocked around a bit but managed to stay on my feet at least. I think I only fell once... maybe. I don't know. Again, it was kind of a blur. I also had the sour taste of not being good enough in my mouth (a taste I hope to never experience again.) I'd love to give it a try again, though it will be my last scrimmage until probably the next time I get the balls to go through a third recruitment (I've decided to hold off another recruitment until I'm sure I can pass the minimum skills on the first day. After two recruitments, I'm not risking failing a third.)

Wednesday, I went in again and kind of wished I didn't. Not because I didn't want to be there; I just didn't want to be there so soon after being cut. There were a lot of awkward conversations and pitying looks from people. A few of the Psycho Sisters came up and told me that they're glad that I'm back, which made me feel a lot better about being there that day. Plus, two of the newest Psychos that used to ref genuinely seemed excited that I'm reffing. They helped me keep my sanity.

I'm not entirely sure why I felt that way during practice. I mean, I've seriously thought about reffing before. Shae and I discussed it a lot when we first were looking into this and considering joining. I'm genuinely excited about the opportunity. I guess it's just the stress of the mess going on at my job right now combined with being a failure for pretty much the first time in my life.

I have to admit though - I'm excited to get a ref shirt. XD I can't wait to see how long it takes me to actually start.