Today was the first day in this recruitment that I realized - I can't do this. I can't. Skating is painful. My body has adjusted to the brace already and simply moved the pain above and below it. Today we did an exercise where we skated five laps, did two cool-downs, waited for everyone else, then skated six laps sticky skate, waited for everyone to catch up, then did seven laps. I was ready to cry halfway through the sticky skating. I have to push on that bad ankle in order to make it around, and I just can't do that. It's horrible.
It didn't help that today was the first day of physical therapy. My ankle was poked and prodded for about an hour before going in there. The physical therapist said that I have to work on improving movement of the dorsiflexion. I have 2 degrees of movement right now. Apparently I should have 10 to 15. Basically, I can't keep my foot straight and bend my leg at the same time... something that's kind of important for skating. So I need to do a few weeks of physical therapy, and then probably a lifetime to exercises at home to both stretch and strengthen those muscles. However, my insurance doesn't cover it. Not for a long time anyways. I have to pay a $40 copay each time for the visit, PLUS the full cost of the actual therapy until I hit my $2,000 deductible (fun fact: I have nowhere near $2000.) The physical therapist is also worried that I'll just undo all of the work we do when I go skating, so I'm trying to keep it easy. I told the coach what's going on and was told not to jump, and sit down when it started giving me trouble. I hate this. I hate this so much.
I want to do this. I want to do this so bad. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it.
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